PC Guide to Western History

The Politically Correct Guide to Western History

In the beginning, when humans had finally filled every region of the world, all civilizations were matriarchal.  Statues of women, such as Venus of Willendorf, show that women, particularly in Europe, were worshiped and given lots of political power, due to the fact that it was supposed that women could magically produce babies.  In these societies, there were no hierarchies or poor people, no fighting, and every woman knew how to find her G spot.  These perfect societies died out when the androcentric Indo-Europeans invaded and imposed Patriarchy on the unwilling people, who were forced to worship male deities.  Luckily, the full-out patriarchy was delayed by the emergence of the Egyptians, who treated women and men equally.  This didn’t prevent the rise of later misogynistic cultures, the earliest of which was the Greeks.  The Greeks did almost nothing good, and excluded women from everything.  The one thing that they did do right, though, was to invent democracy.  Every male Greek over the age of eighteen had the right to vote, and they kept this democracy for a long time.  

Then, one of the most disgusting, most patriarchal societies to ever exist took over Greece and the rest of Europe.  They were the Romans, and they were murderous, misogynistic, and religious fanatics.  The only good thing that can be said about the Romans was that they continued the scientific tradition started by the Egyptians, courtesy of the Greeks.  During the time that the Romans were becoming an Empire, the first hippie came about.  His name was Jesus, and he was a good speaker and moralist.  He preached free love and kindness to everybody, but unfortunately, his followers deliberately misinterpreted his words to add all sorts of woman-hating ideas.  The one who perverted Jesus’ ideas and message the most was Constantine, one of the worst men in history.  He started the Catholic church, an organization that is misogynistic to this very day.  Back then, it was perfectly acceptable for women to have abortions and have control over their own bodies, but Constantine got rid of all that.

It wasn’t too long before the Roman Empire fell and was taken over by the Church.  Since the clergy were a bunch of ignorant whelps who were immune to reason, a lot of scientific advances and classic literature were lost, plunging Western Civilization into the Dark Ages.  It didn’t help that the church burned down the Library at Alexandria.  During the Dark Ages, people were kept from being educated, and as such became widely superstitious, reading long passages from the Bible—quite possibly the most harmful book ever written—every day.  Their superstition, particularly in Spain led to the development of the Inquisition, an organization led by the Church that killed 300 million people across Europe (most of them Jewish) in the span of a mere one hundred years.  Another noteworthy thing that happened during the Dark Ages were the Crusades, in which the Byzantine Empire, assisted by the Church, mercilessly slaughtered millions of Muslims, all because the Bible told them to do so.  

Luckily, the Dark Ages were stopped in their tracks in the fourteenth century when a man named Petrarch went to a church’s bell tower, rang the bell, and ushered in light to the world.  At that point, the Renaissance was born and with it, the Renaissance Man.  The Renaissance Man studied literature, science, art, poetry, and mathematics (though unfortunately, they had to start over with science since the Church, perceiving it to be a threat to their mind-control programs, had destroyed all that was left), woke up early, and worked hard.  Leonardo da Vinci, along with all the other great writers of the Renaissance, rejected the ridiculous notions of Christianity and all that it stood for.  A good side effect of this was that women gained many more rights (though unfortunately they suffered a backlash during the witch trials).

The Renaissance was just the beginning of positive reform for the world.  Soon after, the Age of Enlightenment began.  Many brilliant writers, like Kant, Rousseau, Hobbes, and Machiavelli, laid the groundwork for freedom and human rights.  These ideals, like all of the good ones, came directly from rejecting religion.  They also lead to the American Revolution, which was led by our Founding Fathers, all of whom were die-hard atheists and deists.  Thomas Jefferson knew of the great dangers that the Bible caused, so he wrote laws to ensure that it would be kept out of our schools and its harmful ideas out of our children’s minds.  On the other side of the Atlantic, the French Revolution was in full swing.  It was a wonderful time, with all the people thinking freely and reasoning; the Reign of Terror was just a little bit of spilled milk.

Then the Nineteenth Century came along.  That’s when we had wise men like Mark Twain writing.  We also saw the rise of Karl Marx, whose ideas laid out in The Communist Manifesto freed the people of Russia later from the shackles of royalty and religion.  Charles Darwin came along, and defeated religion once and for all with The Origin of Species.  Also, France plummeted downwards when its Age of Reason was destroyed by Napoleon, France’s version of Hitler.

Finally, we come to the best of them all: the Twentieth Century.  Reason and Science had defeated religion once and for all, except for in Hitler’s case.  Hitler was a Catholic who killed over Six Million Jews, all in the name of God.  Stalin, on the other hand, was a good man who did what was best for his people.  In the Sixties, America underwent a wonderful change when the hippies rose and practiced their Free Love, which created a paradise on earth.  That paradise was made even better by LSD, which freed their minds from earthly constrains.  Unfortunately, the CIA brought down all this goodness by creating HIV in a laboratory.

Where we go from here remains to be seen, but I think the future will be amazing, much like what we see on Star Trek.  Don’t you?