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Afternoon, gentlemen of the board. I'm pleased to announce to you that my experiment has been a much greater success than even I anticipated.
Yes, sir? Oh, sorry. Perhaps I should have explained. What I have done is I have taken advantage of the prevailing American zeitgeist. We have been changed completely and utterly by consumer culture--consumer being the key word here. In our digital age, everything is done at the speed of light. We download music from the internet instead of going to the record store. We download .pdf files instead of reading books. Hell, some of us even order groceries online.
What is the relevance? Well, I was just getting to that. Our chain is the most successful in the industry. Yes, we even outdid Olive Garden in the last quarter. And you know why? Because Americans are always in a hurry. They don't call us 'fast food' for nothing. People come to our franchises because they want cheap food that they can eat in a hurry. So, I was just thinking, what if we made the food come even faster?
The idea came to me when I was watching an infomercial one night. They were advertising a juice machine, and they put all the different items into the machine. Then, a volunteer drank it down. That made me think, why not do the same thing with a combo meal? I took my blender and attached the largest tank I could find to it, and I put a Quarter Pounder, some fries, and a Coke in it. Then, I set it to 'liquefy'. It actually didn't taste too bad. I drank about a quarter of it before testing its viscosity. The Coke made it rather thin, and it flowed easily through a plastic tube, much like those beer bongs that fraternities use. Then, I went to my franchise in Allentown, and brought my things with me. I introduced the option of blending a meal into the menu, purely for experimental purposes, with the tube hanging out near the drive-thru window. On the first day, between the hours of 10AM and 8PM, we had a total of three-hundred-fifty-two customers. An astounding seventy-two of them asked for the blending option. The next day, during the same hours of operation as the previous day, we received four-hundred-three customers, and one-hundred-twenty of them requested the blending feature. By the end of the week, seventy-five percent of our customers were asking for their food to be blended and fed to them through tubes.
Given the success of my experiment, I request the board's permission to extend this practice to other franchises throughout the Midwestern United States within the next fiscal quarter. What? Is it healthy? No, of course not. Then again, when did we ever care about our customers' health? We're McDonald's, for Pete's sake!
Yes, sir? Oh, sorry. Perhaps I should have explained. What I have done is I have taken advantage of the prevailing American zeitgeist. We have been changed completely and utterly by consumer culture--consumer being the key word here. In our digital age, everything is done at the speed of light. We download music from the internet instead of going to the record store. We download .pdf files instead of reading books. Hell, some of us even order groceries online.
What is the relevance? Well, I was just getting to that. Our chain is the most successful in the industry. Yes, we even outdid Olive Garden in the last quarter. And you know why? Because Americans are always in a hurry. They don't call us 'fast food' for nothing. People come to our franchises because they want cheap food that they can eat in a hurry. So, I was just thinking, what if we made the food come even faster?
The idea came to me when I was watching an infomercial one night. They were advertising a juice machine, and they put all the different items into the machine. Then, a volunteer drank it down. That made me think, why not do the same thing with a combo meal? I took my blender and attached the largest tank I could find to it, and I put a Quarter Pounder, some fries, and a Coke in it. Then, I set it to 'liquefy'. It actually didn't taste too bad. I drank about a quarter of it before testing its viscosity. The Coke made it rather thin, and it flowed easily through a plastic tube, much like those beer bongs that fraternities use. Then, I went to my franchise in Allentown, and brought my things with me. I introduced the option of blending a meal into the menu, purely for experimental purposes, with the tube hanging out near the drive-thru window. On the first day, between the hours of 10AM and 8PM, we had a total of three-hundred-fifty-two customers. An astounding seventy-two of them asked for the blending option. The next day, during the same hours of operation as the previous day, we received four-hundred-three customers, and one-hundred-twenty of them requested the blending feature. By the end of the week, seventy-five percent of our customers were asking for their food to be blended and fed to them through tubes.
Given the success of my experiment, I request the board's permission to extend this practice to other franchises throughout the Midwestern United States within the next fiscal quarter. What? Is it healthy? No, of course not. Then again, when did we ever care about our customers' health? We're McDonald's, for Pete's sake!
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My Day 8 entry for Flash Fiction Month.
This is more or less how I feel about American Corporations.
My thanks to the writers at The Onion for the idea.
This is more or less how I feel about American Corporations.
My thanks to the writers at The Onion for the idea.
© 2010 - 2024 loqutor
Comments3
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Love it. An absolute genious piece. A lot of underlying features and people eating McDonald's through a tube. What's not to love (other than the disgust of what's going into that tube).